lig loves figs

the toe spread

2006-02-07T01:19:00.000-08:00

Week 3 and 4 were hard for me, but I think i'm getting back on track this week.

Week 3 I really struggled with the whole artist date situation. I played hooky. So in week 4 I was full of guilt, voices telling me that "how come you cannot even get your butt out for a simple task, especially when it can be anything you want to do?!" It was my Perfectionism hard at work, even gone to picking at what would be the most perfect/meaningful thing to do for my artist date and guess what, I felt the pressure and bailed.

Then to week 4. I don't even want to start talking about the Reading Deprivation! Oh my gawd! So I kept myself from reading blogs and surfing and stuff but I went straight for the television instead. What a disaster! The worse part was that I was totally conscious of it all. I actually "observed" myself procrastinating and avoiding, not pretty.

I'm working on getting my shit together for Week 5. Let's see how it goes. I am hopeful.

On a more encouraging note, I did not miss any Morning Pages at all! I am still doing them diligently and guess what, my left toes are spreading!!!!!!!

Okay for those of you that don't know about the toes and their connection/relations to our brain, (I learned through growing up in the theories of accupressure/meridians - my mother practices accupressure ) the way our toes lay on the ground or when we are relaxed lying down can give you clues as to what's going on in your head. A healthy, clear headed person should have toes that can sit/spread interdependently from each other when you tell them to. Have you ever tried tapping your toes, one at a time from big toe to pinky toe and then back? Or say drumming your toes like fingers on piano keys? Or just spreading them as wide as you can with your foot flat on the floor - without clenching your teeth or making a funny face? It is hard as hell for some people. My right toes are doing quite well but my left ones are dead to the world, hanging out at the end of my left foot for the free ride. I consider them delinquent and once in a while I'll check in on them like a parole officer, making sure they didn't skip town.

....and then suddenly one day during Week 3 I noticed some changes...

Out of nowhere, I could will my left baby toe to say a very soft "hello" to me. I was baffled. Then for the next few days, I would check on them and try to get my once dead left baby toe to wave a bigger hello. By Week 4 I could slowly drum/move the rest individually and even tried to spread them out! My goodness and to think I was close to giving up on them! I was so excited and told my sweet man about it (he knows that i am left-toe-challenged) and gave him a show and tell. Not nearly as suprised and excited as I was, he said to me in very calm conviction: " It's because of those Morning Pages my dear, they are clearing out the dirt in your right brain*. Pretty good stuff. Congratulations."

Prettly good stuff?! Hell yeah! It is pretty cool stuff I must say. Morning Pages rock! Left Baby Toe rocks too! (hmm, maybe i'll buy it a little ring?)

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*In case for those that are interested, the right toes map out the left brain the the left toes the right brain.

slow movements

2006-01-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have been very consistant with writing my Morning Pages ever since I started the AW. For some odd reason, I am beginning to look forward to it. I like the fact that this is something good for me but not in the same way as yoga or swimming. I have made a promise to myself that work/computer does not start/turn on until I am finished my 3 pages and I have been very disciplined with that.

I have always been very impatient with progress, especially my own. I have such high expectations of myself that I get discouraged very quickly. Never been a very good pracitioner of the "baby step" concept. I always start sprinting from the word go and will usually crash and burn and then just give up/put away/not try again.

With writing every morning, for the first time in my adult life, I am actually feeling the power of doing things in small doeses. I'm starting to believe in the good old Baby Steps. I have always kept journals but the entries were never daily let alone monthly and never really felt it was that theraputic. I did it mostly for the sake of documentation of events.

It has been almost two weeks and I do feel the changes in my whole being. I am not as scared of the negative voices anymore and I find myself hearing more encouraging words in my head - wow, now that is a breakthrough! I do feel more grounded and a teeny bit stronger in my core and I'm noticing it. I feel like a little kid giggling to my own inside joke - hehe, look look you just said something nice to yourself! So cool! Do it again! Do it again! Can you do that again please?!

I'm beginning to enjoy the process and not just saying that i'm enjoying it but actually feeling it - as little or slow as it may be.

My artist date this week: Taken from a good friend's suggestion. I'm calling it the Newspaper Throwaways.
I'm going to grab a stack of old newspaper and spend 45 mins drawing on it with pencil/marker/charcaol and not care about the outcome, not thinking about what is on the page, and only 1 minute on each page and then...Throw It Away! Bye! Next page...

artist date #1 results:

2006-01-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

I went around my neighbourhood taking with me only my camera. It was cold and rainy. Not a very pleasant day. I found myself making excuses but I ended up honouring the promise to my first Artist Date...so that's good.

a fantasy

2006-01-12T02:17:00.000-08:00

On Monday, the day after i had started the AW, I had an opportunity to look at a little studio space in which I would use to do my art. Interestingly that this happened at this point because the idea of having this space, a space just to create had been a long fantasy of mine. I said yes to this special little space and now I'm just waiting to find out if I can afford it. I will give more details as this unfolds.

When I was a teenager, I was fortunate enough to attend an art school where only a selected few students would get accepted through a series of auditions. It could be music, drama, dance or the visual arts. I got accepted into the visual arts program. Every morning in this program, from 8 am we had to draw, paint or talk about art until lunch time then after that we focused on the academics. After all afternoon of the "serious" subjects, we had to stay until 5pm to be creative again. It was one of the most soul fulfilling environment I have ever experienced. I didn't have a "normal" high school experience and I loved every moment of it.

Ever since then I have been dreaming that one day, I would have a studio space to unleash all my creativities to produce art. Friends, collages and patrons would visit me at this space and talk about anything under the sun. Then I would show my art in local galleries, selling them in stores and eventually I would one day be showing abroad. That is my ultimate fantasy...but pragmatic and the logical progression would kick in. I had surrendered to the notion that artists would not be able to live comfortably on just making art, one can only do it on the side while persuing a "real" job to support oneself. Hence I got myself a degree in Interior Design. Okay good, so I thought.

I have always been one of those people that can pick up new things really fast and can apply myself very well to new situations. People call me a "Jill of all trades". I have really high expectations of myself and my work. I'm a true perfectionist to the core. It started out when I was a child prodigy with classical piano. I was performing in front of a large audience by the time I was six and at the Concert Hall by the time I was nine. I never really thought about it too much, I just sat in front of the piano and started playing and somehow I was really good at it (though I would practice for 6 hours/day - I started working hard before I knew the meaning of it). Because of this early "success" so to speak - in which I had no real grasp of what that really was - I had been suffering the characteristics of a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. With everything I do I ask for the sky and I had to be the best at it. I cannot take failure or criticism very well as you can image.

As time passed and life happened, today I find myself not doing any of the things I had just wrote about. I have not picked up a paint brush in years. I have stopped playing the piano since I was fifteen ( I just turned 33 - AH!) and I would refuse to touch the keys of the piano if there is another person in the same room as the instrument. I have completely shut the world out of that part of my life, including myself.

This past Novemember my whole self worth came to a screeching halt. I felt completely lost. I had no direction. I started thinking about taking a job at a coffee shop and just waste myself away. I didn't want to do anything creative, I couldn't, I had nothing inside to give creatively. I was scared. Scared because I know coffee shop girl was not my calling. I vegged in front of the computer, surfing mindlessly away while trying to pretend to my friends and family that I'm just fine, everything is just fine. I'm not fine.

My silent deparate prayers where answered this past weekend and now I find myself writing Morning Pages and thinking about what to do for my artist date. I am feeling much more hopeful even though the negative voices are still strongly present, for some reason I'm not so afraid of them. Then I got an email right after I did my very first morning pages from an artist friend, asking my if I would be interested in sharing a space in his gorgeous studio.

My very first reaction was NO, then immediately I nipped it in the bud. I told myself that I deserve to just go an see the space and see what my intuition tells me, so I went. The space felt so nurturing. Very small and cozy, surrounded by tons of creative energy. I thought to myself that it would be a great place to test out if this would work.

Could this be a fantasy coming true? I don't know, I'm afraid to go there. What will I be doing in that space? What am I going to create? Am I going to be productive in there or is this just another one of my start high and die quickly kind of experiment? Believe me I've had many of those.

Regardless, I am just going to focus on this AW journey for the time being and enjoy the experiences in filling up my dry and crusty reservoir and not think about what exactly what I am going to "produce".

Idea for my artist date this week: Go out there with only my camera and the clothes on my back to explore/take photos of the everyday things that exist (in which I don't bother to look at) in my funky little neighbourhood. Not taking my dog with me.

I leaped

2006-01-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

On Saturday January 7th I discovered The Artist's Way and found Kat's Paws site. The next day I rushed out to the library and got a copy of the book. I read through the Introduction and yesterday I did my first morning pages and signed up for my first blog.

I never really understood a blog's power until this past weekend and now I am curious to find out if this is going help me plow through this dark period of mine. I've been through this unproductive, uninspired state many times and I always thought it would go away with a bit of reading, listening to some inspirational talk and I would somehow find my way out. Not until this recent dark spell drove me to realize that I have never taken real action to change. I may be a lot more aware of what is going on intellectually but I would feel like a failure every time I find myself fallen off the wagon again.

The AW is something new to me even though I'd like to consider myself an artist, for whatever reason it never came my way. I'm so glad it finally showed up in front of me. I feel that it is going to give me a challenge that would change my old patterns because it requires real action that is very clearly described and it is physical and visual (not just closing my eyes and meditate) so I can relate. I did my second Morning Pages today and I loved it. At the end of the 3rd page, I noticed this weird lightness on the top half of my head and felt a bit tingly there. I wonder if it is because my brain is experiencing a shower for the first time? The years of negative self dialog is now getting pushed out - ever so slightly - into the forefront, he/she has no idea what I have in store for them in the next 11 weeks. We are going to war!